not who I once was...
For some reason, I have been pondering over a comment that my mother made about a week ago to me. I was driving us around Carbondale. This means two things are most likely a certainty - 1) I was probably mouthing someone else on the road as I meandered on my journey (tiny bit of road rage), and B) We were most likely headed to Panera for some lunch or a bagel. :) I remember that I was driving along with no hesitation, and an easiness to my actions. My mother looks at me and says, "You're so different than you once were. You're so much more independent."
I took this as a huge compliment. I have since then taken the time to remember who I once was. There wasn't really anything wrong with the old me, I was just different. I guess you could say I was more of a child, and since then I have grown up. I have had a few things happen in my life in the past 5 years or so to cause this spurt of emotional growth.
I can still remember how scared I once was. I think the thing that used to scare me the most was change. I can still remember staying in a relationship for the comfort of it. Getting out would mean change. It would mean uprooting the life that I had been creating for the past six years with this person. How can you want something for years of your life, and then one day realize - I changed. The things I wanted out of life changed too. I'm not the person I once was. That girl you met when she was 18 isn't here anymore. Life took a turn from playing house to buying a house, and I suddenly slammed on the brakes and decided I needed to turn off about a mile back on this road I was traveling. When life became more of a reality for me, I realized I wanted more. I wanted to be more. I wanted change.
Where I used to think I was scared of change, it turns out - I was craving it! I was so scared, and yet so anxious to become the person I wanted to be. Breaking out of this safe, comfort zone where all the major decisions in my life were already made- significant other, house, job, how many children I would have - *SCREAM* I'm a peacock, dammit - let me fly! ;) I was not ready for everything to be so...settled. My whole life had been so calm. I was just ok with the fact that I hadn't really shaken things up a bit. I chose a person when I was 18, and now - since we became best friends I was stuck. And the truth of the matter is, I know he felt the same way. We both hadn't done anything really wrong that would merit us to break up. We dated, fell in love, grew in love and friendship with each other over the years, then started to drift apart. When we began to drift, we made the mistake of deciding to get married to fix it. We never made it down the aisle. Luckily enough the fog lifted and I could see that we were trying to live in the past. I wasn't that girl anymore.
Since making a decision to turn my world upside down, it feels like I have been going non-stop. Somewhere in the past few years I have really discovered who I am and who I want to be. I truly feel that sometimes you have to be alone for a while to discover how to make yourself happy. Because let's be honest, how can you ever expect someone else to make you happy in life, unless you know how to make yourself happy. If you don't know where you want to go, or who you want to be - how in the world could a significant other have the slightest chance of giving you a life of bliss?
Contentment has hit with me. I am happy with life. I am happy with who I am and where I am. I know what I want out of life. Well, I know what I want out of life at this moment. The truth is, I kinda like not knowing everything that is going to happen. I also like the fact that I don't ever rush into making these life decisions anymore. I don't feel the need to always know everything about where life will take me. Independence is kinda great...I don't really know how I will ever give it up ;)
I took this as a huge compliment. I have since then taken the time to remember who I once was. There wasn't really anything wrong with the old me, I was just different. I guess you could say I was more of a child, and since then I have grown up. I have had a few things happen in my life in the past 5 years or so to cause this spurt of emotional growth.
I can still remember how scared I once was. I think the thing that used to scare me the most was change. I can still remember staying in a relationship for the comfort of it. Getting out would mean change. It would mean uprooting the life that I had been creating for the past six years with this person. How can you want something for years of your life, and then one day realize - I changed. The things I wanted out of life changed too. I'm not the person I once was. That girl you met when she was 18 isn't here anymore. Life took a turn from playing house to buying a house, and I suddenly slammed on the brakes and decided I needed to turn off about a mile back on this road I was traveling. When life became more of a reality for me, I realized I wanted more. I wanted to be more. I wanted change.
Where I used to think I was scared of change, it turns out - I was craving it! I was so scared, and yet so anxious to become the person I wanted to be. Breaking out of this safe, comfort zone where all the major decisions in my life were already made- significant other, house, job, how many children I would have - *SCREAM* I'm a peacock, dammit - let me fly! ;) I was not ready for everything to be so...settled. My whole life had been so calm. I was just ok with the fact that I hadn't really shaken things up a bit. I chose a person when I was 18, and now - since we became best friends I was stuck. And the truth of the matter is, I know he felt the same way. We both hadn't done anything really wrong that would merit us to break up. We dated, fell in love, grew in love and friendship with each other over the years, then started to drift apart. When we began to drift, we made the mistake of deciding to get married to fix it. We never made it down the aisle. Luckily enough the fog lifted and I could see that we were trying to live in the past. I wasn't that girl anymore.
Since making a decision to turn my world upside down, it feels like I have been going non-stop. Somewhere in the past few years I have really discovered who I am and who I want to be. I truly feel that sometimes you have to be alone for a while to discover how to make yourself happy. Because let's be honest, how can you ever expect someone else to make you happy in life, unless you know how to make yourself happy. If you don't know where you want to go, or who you want to be - how in the world could a significant other have the slightest chance of giving you a life of bliss?
Contentment has hit with me. I am happy with life. I am happy with who I am and where I am. I know what I want out of life. Well, I know what I want out of life at this moment. The truth is, I kinda like not knowing everything that is going to happen. I also like the fact that I don't ever rush into making these life decisions anymore. I don't feel the need to always know everything about where life will take me. Independence is kinda great...I don't really know how I will ever give it up ;)
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